I just got back from a short follow-up appointment at the doctor’s office. My urine test was normal, my blood count was normal, but most importantly, I tested negative for HIV. I plan on celebrating by having unprotected sex with an intravenous drug user that constantly swaps needles with other users and is currently employed as a prostitute.
I am not often asked to repair things which works out well because I really suck at it. Take a look at what happened to my watch during my attempt to replace its battery.
Whenever I clean out the litter box, I experience what gold miners of days past must have gone through on a daily basis: lots of digging for nothing but a bunch of crap.
This graph is the best visual representation I’ve ever found of my intelligence.
Last night I saw a commercial for a new chewable birth-control pill. You know what else comes in chewable forms? Flintstones Vitamins. It’s good that someone is making birth-control pills for kids now.
I just saw these two guys in the park about to fight each other; they had their kung-fu/boxing stances up and everything. Before they could strike one another though, a woman jumped in between them and screamed at them to stop. That’s when the eloquent trash-talking began:
“You want some of this?”
“Why don’t you bring it on?”
“Okay, let’s do this!”
“What are you waiting for?”
“Come on man, I ain’t scared!”
“Me neither, what are you waiting for?”
“Come on, let’s go mutha fucka!”
“Alright, come on, bring it!”
“You don’t want none of this!”
“No, you don’t want none of this!”
“Why don’t you prove it?”
“I’m going to right now!”
“Okay, then bring it on!”
“I’m gonna kick your ass!”
“I’d like to see you try!”
“I’m gonna do it right now!”
“Come on then, kick my ass!”
“Don’t make me kick your ass man!”
By this time I had become bored and walked away. I think they might still be out there yelling at each other.
This weekend I was walking down the sidewalk in my ‘hood when I noticed a pair of girls walking ahead of me. Both were wearing tiny little shirts that let their boobs hang out and tiny little skirts that let their asses hang out. Naturally, every single guy on the street stopped to look as they walked by.
After a few blocks one of the girls turned to the other and said “Gawd, why is everyone staring at us?”
It wasn’t everyone, it was just the guys. I think it had something to do with your boobs and asses hanging out of your clothes.
Yesterday I saw a guy wearing a shirt that said “I have plenty of change you homeless piece of shit. Thanks for asking.”
Also in his wardrobe: shirts that say “Get up out of that wheelchair and walk like the rest of us you fucking cripple” and “If you’re blind you can’t read this shirt hahahahahahaha I am awesome and you suck.”
From now on, whenever I feel like I’m a bastard I’ll just think of this guy and remember that maybe I’m not so bad after all.
Last night I dreamt that I had a date with a girl I met through an online dating site. When we finally met in person, she was wearing a wedding dress.
“I thought you were single,” I said.
“I am single,” she said, “but I’m married.”
“Oh. Well, I guess I’ll just go home then.”
“Don’t you want to hang out?”
And because I am stupid even in my dreams, I said “sure” and hung out with the single/married girl. When I flirted with her she got mad and told me that she was married but when I didn’t, she got upset that I wasn’t paying any attention to her. Even in my dreams girls find a way to drive me crazy.
