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Location: Out on the sidewalk

Guy 1: “It’s tough out there for folks.”

Guy 2: “Fuck them man. I got the fuckin’ problems man.”

“Yeah, it’s rough. Lots of folks with problems out there these days.”

“You know what your problem is? It’s that you’re a selfish, self-centered, mother-fucking fatass piece of shit.”

At this point I should point out that the guy who got called “selfish” and “self-centered” was collecting donations for a homeless shelter.

It’s been hot and humid in NY for the past couple of months and, when the weather gets like that and you’re out and about, there is nothing better than stepping off of the sidewalk, out of the heat and into a store with nice, refreshing air conditioning.

After taking advantage of a store’s cool environment the other day, I went to leave when I noticed a guy behind me having a bit of trouble getting out of the store with his purchases so, as I left, I held the door open for him.

After the door had been open for a few seconds, one of the employees inside the store shouted “close the goddamned door! You’re lettin’ out all the air you stupid fuck!”

I was holding the door open for a guy in a wheelchair.

Location: The subway platform at Grand Central Station during morning rush hour

The doors of the 6 train opened and a herd of people tried to exit the train while another herd tried to board simultaneously. Not the most optimal situation but it’s like that everyday. One guy getting off the train bumped into another guy getting on.

Guy 1: “Excuse you.”

Guy 2: “No, excuse you.”

“You got a problem man?”

“No, you want a fuckin’ problem man?”

“Why don’t you fuck off!”

“Fuck you!”

“That’s right, keep walking!”

“I’LL FUCKIN’ SLIT YOUR THROAT!”

Just for the record, no one’s throat actually got slit.

Location: The L train from Manhattan to Brooklyn

Some random guy to his friends: “Dude, you ever hear a Chinese guy say ‘I love you’? It sounds like this: ‘Ching chong wang dang dang.’ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Apparently love is a funny thing.

I had this neat little exchange with the cashier at a store:

Him: “Would you like a bag with that?
Me: “Sure.”

Now, at this point, conversation could have resolved like this:

Him: “Okay.”

Instead, it went something like this:

Him: “Finally, someone asks for one of our wonderful plastic bags! You know this things will never biodegrade and will be around for 5 million years, right? Great choice. After you get this bag home I bet it’s going to take up space in a landfill somewhere.”

Me: “Uh, okay. Thanks.”

I normally reuse my plastic bags for other purposes (to line trash cans, carry things places, suffocate infants, etc.) but just to spite this guy, I took a cab to the nearest landfill and threw the bag directly into it. Take that, random cashier guy.

Overheard on an Amtrak train in southern California:

“What stop are we getting off at?”

“Tijuana.”

“Tijuana? No way! That’s in Japan!”

I guess she doesn’t know about Amtrak’s new fleet of flying trains.

As I walked across the Pulaski bridge this morning to get to the subway, I heard a noise from behind me. I turned around and saw that a bicyclist had almost hit a pedestrian and they were engaged in a heated exchange:

Cyclist: “FAGGOT!!!”

Pedestrian: …”well, it takes one to know one.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the worst comeback known to humanity is still being uttered to this day. For those of you who aren’t keeping track, here’s the current score:

• Cyclist: -10 points for the lame insult
• Pedestrian: -20 points for being lame
• The Human Race: -84 billion points for lamely allowing these two to exist

I was strolling down the street in my neighborhood during a warm afternoon the other day when I saw a large, hairy man with no shirt standing on the sidewalk, checking out girls as they walked by. As one passed by him wearing a low-cut top, he said:

“I like it when the weather gets warm because that’s when the titties come out!”

She instantly tore off her clothing and jumped on him because no woman on Earth can resist that kind of sweet talk. I’d like to try that line as well but I’m afraid I’m just not cool enough to pull it off.

I just saw these two guys in the park about to fight each other; they had their kung-fu/boxing stances up and everything. Before they could strike one another though, a woman jumped in between them and screamed at them to stop. That’s when the eloquent trash-talking began:

“You want some of this?”

“Why don’t you bring it on?”

“Okay, let’s do this!”

“What are you waiting for?”

“Come on man, I ain’t scared!”

“Me neither, what are you waiting for?”

“Come on, let’s go mutha fucka!”

“Alright, come on, bring it!”

“You don’t want none of this!”

“No, you don’t want none of this!”

“Why don’t you prove it?”

“I’m going to right now!”

“Okay, then bring it on!”

“I’m gonna kick your ass!”

“I’d like to see you try!”

“I’m gonna do it right now!”

“Come on then, kick my ass!”

“Don’t make me kick your ass man!”

By this time I had become bored and walked away. I think they might still be out there yelling at each other.

This weekend I was walking down the sidewalk in my ‘hood when I noticed a pair of girls walking ahead of me. Both were wearing tiny little shirts that let their boobs hang out and tiny little skirts that let their asses hang out. Naturally, every single guy on the street stopped to look as they walked by.

After a few blocks one of the girls turned to the other and said “Gawd, why is everyone staring at us?”

It wasn’t everyone, it was just the guys. I think it had something to do with your boobs and asses hanging out of your clothes.