After putting some water in a tea pot this morning, I placed it on the stove and turned on the gas. Then I stood there and watched.
And watched.
And you know what? It boiled.
Current score - Me: 1, Pithy Sayings: 0.
What if today is the day I go outside and walk right into the middle of a spontaneous song and dance number? What if I don’t know the words or the steps? That would be totally embarrassing.
I dreamed that my younger brother was playing in a high school baseball game and the umpires kept immediately reversing their calls. For instance, they would call a baserunner out, and as soon as he started walking off the field, they would change their minds and declare him safe. This went on for an entire game.
I hate my dreams.
I forgot to put on my belt today and it’s making me self-conscious. People can totally tell that there is nothing in my belt loops.
Location: The subway platform at Grand Central Station during morning rush hour
The doors of the 6 train opened and a herd of people tried to exit the train while another herd tried to board simultaneously. Not the most optimal situation but it’s like that everyday. One guy getting off the train bumped into another guy getting on.
Guy 1: “Excuse you.”
Guy 2: “No, excuse you.”
“You got a problem man?”
“No, you want a fuckin’ problem man?”
“Why don’t you fuck off!”
“Fuck you!”
“That’s right, keep walking!”
“I’LL FUCKIN’ SLIT YOUR THROAT!”
Just for the record, no one’s throat actually got slit.
Location: the grocery store
Cashier: “So are you Chinese or Japanese?”
Me: “I’m Vietnamese, actually.”
“Do you speak Chinese?”
“Um, no.”
“They tried to teach us some Chinese in school. Man, that shit is hard! It takes like an hour to write ‘I love you!’ So are you Chinese or Japanese?”
“Like I said, I’m Vietnamese.”
“So… is that Chinese or Japanese?”
“Can I just pay for my stuff now?”
I like to think of myself as a relatively unselfish person. Even though that’s completely untrue, I still like attempting to delude myself every now and then. This hypothetical version of me would never hesitate to make his decisions based on what was best for everyone, not just himself. Also, he would be able to fly and shoot laser beams out of his eyes.
Thomas Debaggio had to make one of those tough choices in his book Losing My Mind. This book is his first-person account of living with Alzheimer’s, a crippling disease that erases your memories and transforms your loved ones into complete strangers. When he is first diagnosed with the condition, he has two choices: get treatment with the current, slightly effective course of medication or agree to be a test subject in a trial of new drugs designed to be much more effective at combating the disease.
The catch, of course, is that in drug trials, there are always two groups: the test group and the control group. The test group receives the experimental drug while the control group receives placebos and no, you don’t get to pick which group you’re in. Unless the new drug had horrific side effects (e.g. death), I’m pretty sure everyone desperate for relief from their respective conditions would sign up for the test group.
Here’s where the hypothetical version of myself would step up and bravely volunteer to participate in the drug trial. After all, it would be for the good of science and all mankind. Even if the new pills/serum/patch/rectal implant didn’t work as effectively as they thought it would, at least the imaginary-me could be secure in the knowledge that he had helped further the limits of human knowledge and, in the process, offer hope to some other poor soul who might suffer from the same ailment in the future.
But what if I was in that control group? What if I got the sugar pills instead of the real thing and, in effect, not receive any treatment at all? In this case, participating in the trial would be the same as hearing my doctor say “You have Alzheimer’s,” nodding my head and promptly walking out the door, ignoring the diagnosis completely. What if by subjecting myself to the standard treatment instead of offering myself up to science, I managed to retain my memory and higher brain functions by a month? Six months? A year? Would that extra time spent with loved ones in a coherent state make up for the fact that you passed up the chance to help other people? Or is it better to have as much time as possible to spend with your friends and family instead of helping some complete stranger who will never, ever be able to comprehend the depth of your sacrifice anyway?
I hope I’ll never be in the position to have to make this decision. I’m not sure who would win - the hypothetical, unselfish, flying me or the regular, off-putting me.
I had a difficult choice to make this weekend: I had to choose between either having heat in my apartment or not having heat in my apartment. Normally this would be a no-brainer, but keep in mind that having heat in the apartment meant activating the radiator which in turn leaks water all over the floor making the entire place smell like mildew.
See? I told you it was difficult.
Happy New Year’s Eve. Unless, of course, you’re reading this post from a place where it’s already New Year’s Day. Or if you’re reading this post in the future, long after New Year’s Day. You know what? Forget I said anything.
Having a web site is hard.
Merry Christmas you skanky fools. I didn’t get you anything.
